A month ago I went to the doctor for my annual check up. Everything was routine. The doctor asked how I was managing the pain from my endometriosis. (I have had stage 4 for 16 years now, several surgeries, it keeps coming back) I told her that it was fine until a year or so ago and the pain started getting bad and it gotten to the point where it was almost constant. She told me that some people have had success with a certain IUD that last for 5 years. She said that she would like to try that and see if that would stop the pain all together. I agreed. To put it bluntly, this last month has been pure hell. (Pardon my language.) Pain like you wouldn't believe! I wake up screaming from a dead sleep in pain. It's awful. When I'm not in pain I am a walking zombie because I am so numb from all the pain. I went to the doctor yesterday and told her what was going on. I told her that at this point I needed to just have it over and done with. I started crying right then and there. I swore I wouldn't and felt like an idioit. But I explained to her that neither of my girls have ever had a healthy mom. My husband of almost 11 years has never had a healthy wife. My family deserves better than this. I deserve better than this. I asked her to do something I have been contemplating for years but haven't had the guts to follow through with when I am talking to her face to face. I wasn't ready. Before she walked into her office I said a prayer asking Heavenly Father if this was right for me and my family. I told him that if there was even the slightest chance I would be having a biological child with my husband that I didn't want to go through with it. But if there wasn't a chance and I was supposed to do this, I asked him for the strength to articulate to the doctor what needed to be done. And not only that but I asked that he touch her heart to let her know that this was right if that was his will. You see, I've asked other doctors about a hsyterectomy but they have always refused to do it stating that I'm too young and that they can help me. This doctor even, the first time I met her refused to even consider it. Maybe it was the tears, maybe it was the Lord helping to make his will possible. But this time was different. Through tears I told her of my struggle and that I was ready now. She agreed that this was the only course of action left for me. Having a full hysterectomy will clear up 3 of my 4 major health issues (my back will never get better, as long as it's managble and I can function though, the doctor will leave that issue alone). I have mixed feelings about having the hysterectomy done. I'm happy that my pain will be gone, I'm happy that I can find a new normal and be who my family deserves for me to be. But at the same time, I'm scared. A few weeks ago I wrote about how as an infertile woman I feel broken. I was diagnosed with secondary infertility 16 years ago. For 11 years, even before we were married, my husband has known that biological children was not only improbable but impossible and was all for adoption from day one. Yet still, he supported me in my efforts to have a baby. And I was successful in getting pregnant a few times early in our marriage, but I never carried passed 11 weeks. My body just can't handle pregnancy anymore. Even knowing this, I tried. My husband sat by year after year as I struggled and held me as I cried and cried with me on those instances where we lost pregnancies. Finally we decided to adopt. That in and of itself was a struggle, but here we are 6 years after first starting the process of adoption and we have a beautiful (almost) 2 year old girl who has blessed our lives in ways we never imagined who came to us through adoption. Yet, still I struggle with my decision to have it be so final. There is no way that I can have kids. Even if I were to by some miracle get pregnant and carry passed 11 weeks, the probability that I could end up paralyzed is high. So I literally can't get pregnant. Yet still, here I sit, having cried off and on over the last 12 hours since I left the doctors office. Unable to sleep. I realized that I was afraid that my husband would look at me as less of a woman if I were to go through with this. This fear, as irrational as it is, is very real, and very strong. I talked to him about this of course, he told me he understood why I felt that way, but that I had no need to worry. I know that I need to do this. I need to be the mom my girls deserve and the wife my husband deserves and the me that I deserve. I can't do that the way things are now. I drove home from the doctor wondering if I had made the right decision. I guess it's normal to second guess. But an incident that happened 14 years ago floated into my mind. I was a single mom, living on my own, just Tamara and I. I was in bed, with a particularly bad episode of pain. She came into my room and told me she wanted to go to the park. I told her I would take her later. She said, "but mom, I want to go now." I said "honey, mommy is owie, I will take you later." Her response was one I will never forget. Even now, 14 years later I still remember it and it still breaks my heart. My baby girl, at the tender age of 3 said, "mommy, you're always owie, I wish I could hurt for you." My heart broke all over again as I remembered that day. I don't want Emily to ever utter those words. I would like my last year with Tamara, before she goes off to college to be pain free. So, when I feel like I can go through with it, I will remember that day, and it will give me the strength. I go in on July 3rd for the surgery and will be in the hospital for a few days... Kind of bummed that I'll miss the fireworks on the 4th though....
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Remember my friends Mike & Tammy? I have talked about them several times on my blog and Tammy even guest posted for me ahwile back on how to cope with a failed placement. And remember this post late last year that they had been chosen by another birthmom?
Well, in January their baby girl Sophia was born. I am happy to report that just this last Monday, they were able to go to court and finalize Sophia's adoption and she is officially their daughter! Congrats you guys! I'm sooo happy for you and I love you all!
I can't beleive it, but Tamara is 17! I still remember the day she was born. Heck, I still remember (unfortunately it isn't a good memory) the day I found out I was pregnant with her. Now here she is, 17 years old, about to start her Senior Year of High School, looking at colleges, driving.... People ask me if having an almost 2 year old makes me feel young again. Honestly, it just makes me feel older! *sigh* sad, but true! Here are some photos from Tamara's 17th birthday party,
Tamara blowing out her candles
Tamara helping Emily with her first go at a pinata
Tamara eating her giant cupcake and wearing the top of the cupcake pinata on her head.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Tamara is turning 17 tomorrow. Freaking out just a little. O.k. so a lot! I can't beleive it's been 17 years since she was born. It doesn't feel like that long ago. What a blessing she is to us all! Love you baby girl!
Tamara and I on her blessing day. August 1995
Tamara May 2012