tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8676129686762738852.post1726941222960833206..comments2023-04-30T06:07:59.748-07:00Comments on Our Crazy, Wonderful life!: Struggling as a Birthmom ****Guest BloggerSharonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03406028799264159688noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8676129686762738852.post-64680716440904058192011-11-17T20:50:49.673-08:002011-11-17T20:50:49.673-08:00I am a birthmom i placed almost 8 years ago and i ...I am a birthmom i placed almost 8 years ago and i am hoping to be at his baptism. I don't think you should compare your adoption to anyone elses each one is unique also some agencies have rules they have to follow. when I placed all my letters were read until finialization and we couldn't say last name or any identifying info. I at first started with weekly letters then cut down to monthly, every 3 months, 6 months and now yearly. I do know their names, address and number but I do not talk to my birth son on the phone. I get yearly visits when possible. My advice is to pray about the communication and ask them what they are comfortable with that is what I have always done with my couple.birthmomforeverhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14058854613088289845noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8676129686762738852.post-38237918278735941942011-11-15T12:21:33.009-08:002011-11-15T12:21:33.009-08:00I'm not a birth mom, but my struggles with chi...I'm not a birth mom, but my struggles with children and hopes and dreams are similar to yours. See I had a still born son. I struggled when we got pregnant again about whether we were replacing him or not. Do we use the same name or not. We had heard so many people who felt like after the loss of a child they got their child again. I never felt that way about my children. I ended having 3 more still born children. I have four living children who are my all, but they will never replace the heartache for the lost children of mine. My children were given back to God instead of to another family here on earth, but the heartache and loss is something I can relate to. I also learned as we struggled to get our four living children. That what kids I get to raise here and which I don't really has NOTHING to do with my worthiness in life. When the time was right (5 1/2) years between two of our kids, we were blessed with the child that would complete our family. I just had to remember God's time and my time are not the same thing.<br /><br />On the communication thing, I would say prayerfully ask. Express honestly what you feel you are missing, what you would like to get, and ask for their support.Kimhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05841216625106078867noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8676129686762738852.post-18090365303218347322011-11-14T20:32:25.474-08:002011-11-14T20:32:25.474-08:00I am the mother to my almost 8 year old daughter, ...I am the mother to my almost 8 year old daughter, and birth mother to my almost 1 year old son. I couldn't tell you which is more challenging, single parenting as a teen or placing & following the path of adoption in my twenties... Both have rewards and obstacles, but I try to stay present in each moment, being aware of my feelings and allowing that to guide me as a parent and birth mother. I can identify with you in having daughters and placing a son. My relationship with my daughter is strong, and my love for her has grown through my adoption. I would love to parent a son, to share that bond with a boy. However, I choose to not be sad. I try not to have anticipatory anxiety. I know this possible future son of mine will never replace any feelings I have ever had towards my son, and I embrace that. It makes every experience shared with him special. Love can only be added to, never divided.<br />As for your struggles with contact, I would suggest writing to Kermit's parents. Tell them how you are feeling. Explain what your understanding of the open status of your adoption meant to you, and what you desire it to be. Things can change over time. It may not have been an issue to call them in the past, or maybe to difficult to have face to face contact. But now, those are things you desire. I am sure Kermit's parents have so much love for you, and will be willing to come to an agreement that everyone is comfortable with.<br />One thing that someone shared with me during my pregnancy was about boundaries. He said "You will probably come to a point where you will move forward with your life, and respect that they are doing the same with theirs." At first I was somewhat offended, since he did not understand that these people were my best friends. After some thought, I came to realize that I needed to give them the space to adjust to parenthood and their new lifestyle. And that they needed to give me room to move forward, that I needed to have my good days, as well as my difficult ones. We are all busy with life, but still take time to enjoy the sweetness that our connection has brought us, and share our love for each other. That love will never lessen, and we will forever be creating memories with each other.<br />I sympathize with you, as I have not seen my son since he was 2 days old. You have had years away from Kermit and that has to be so hard. In my situation, I am welcome to come visit at anytime. However, they live in NY and I am in UT. Sometimes that 2,200 miles seems like it is literally worlds away. I look forward to that day that I can squeeze and kiss on my sweet boy, and tell his parents how grateful I am for everything. My wish is the same for you. Until that day, I send love your way. Positive thoughts and best wishes to you.Shantelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17714990492726418557noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8676129686762738852.post-43698643531032530992011-11-14T09:33:27.235-08:002011-11-14T09:33:27.235-08:00I was 17 when I had my girl, and she turns 7 in Ja...I was 17 when I had my girl, and she turns 7 in January. I have an open adoption with her. I just got married this last January, and we are expecting a girl in February. It was interesting to be pregnant with a girl again, because I didn't want my daughter to feel like I'm replacing her. But she's very very excited that I'm pregnant and she wants to meet her little sister (her mom is also pregnant with their 4th and she's due a month after me). I get to talk to my daughter and I try to visit her once a year, and it's been like that from the beginning. She knows who I am, and she loves my husband and calls him her "other Dad." I can imagine how hard it would be to not have that contact. I would bring it up with your son's family. I think you could start out with phone calls on birthdays, holidays etc, and then if they are comfortable with that then maybe have a visit. My daughter's family has always been very open with her about her adoption and her brothers adoption, so she just views it as her being loved by a lot of people. It's scary to ask for a change after so long, but I think if you shared your feelings with his parents they would listen, and hopefully pray about what's right for you and your son, and maybe decide to open the adoption more. I hope that helped a little.Alannahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16899004290969869902noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8676129686762738852.post-67607200367446118032011-11-14T08:44:30.134-08:002011-11-14T08:44:30.134-08:00Also if you feel like you need more contact, I wou...Also if you feel like you need more contact, I would let them know.Sarahhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06141704049492865581noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8676129686762738852.post-55993576670254563722011-11-14T08:42:50.464-08:002011-11-14T08:42:50.464-08:00When you wrote about wanting to have and raise a b...When you wrote about wanting to have and raise a boy after placing yours my heart just ached. I was in that same situation. I placed my son and had 3 girls after him. I got angry that I wasn't getting another boy to raise. I was blessed to finally get pregnant with another boy 2 1/2 years ago. It was hard he was born sick and was in the NICU for a week. I went through a lot of the emotions I went through with my first son because I was released from the hospital before him. I went through those emotions again of placing. It all turned out okay though. He is fine and healthy and it was worth the wait to finally have a boy again. My boys (the one I placed and my 2 year old) are 12 years apart. My adoption is more closed than yours. I got just letters and pictures from the adoptive couple until he was 5, so I haven't seen or heard about him since then. I didn't have their address or last name. I've heard that I can go to the adoption agency to request it be open, but it has been so long that I'm afraid that it will cause problems. I know he is where he supposed to be. I would love however to be in contact again. Anyway I don't know if I've helped at all, just wanted to let you know you aren't alone.Sarahhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06141704049492865581noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8676129686762738852.post-37550609891166773242011-11-14T07:46:26.077-08:002011-11-14T07:46:26.077-08:00I placed a daughter for adoption 4 years ago this ...I placed a daughter for adoption 4 years ago this January. We have a fully open adoption. They let me decide and that's what I wanted. They are part of an adoption committee here in Canada and told me that it's been proven to be healthier for an adoptive child to know more about where they came from and even know the person or people who gave them life. I see my daughter 3 or 4 times a year. I do not know their address although I have been to their house twice now. I also do not know their phone number, but I am ok with that. I too, have the adoptive mom on facebook, we also have a provate group on there where we plan visits, add photos several times a year and post updates or ask questions. My mom, myself, the counselor from LDSFS, and the adoptive mom are all in the group. The adoptive mom and I also e-mail a few times a month. There have been times where I needed clariication with things and were scared but I prayed for the strength and sent an email via facebook. She reassured me that they want me asking questions and not to feel scared (the answer I had been hoping and looking for from her in response). The funny thing is we were both thinking the same thing as my question but they were also scared to ask and thought they'd wait for me to approach. Since you do have them both on facebook have you thought about sending them the exact same message? Pray for strangth if you feel you will not be strong enough to ask the right questions for you. Maybe write down questions you have as you think about them too, and when you feel you're ready go for it. They are the only ones who can really answer your questions for you. Everyone's story may be different but in the end I feel that all birth mothers feel and go through the same emotions and questions. They said they'd leave it up to you and here (if I may assume) it seems that they are pulling away and you are not and that they are going back on their word? I hope you find the answers you are looking for and they are positive for you and that you can find a peaceful feeling about all of this.<br /><br />AmyBioMomhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14416328527397082447noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8676129686762738852.post-63735663423999531962011-11-13T18:11:21.090-08:002011-11-13T18:11:21.090-08:00I have a daughter I placed for adoption 12years ag...I have a daughter I placed for adoption 12years ago this Christmas.My husband and I have been married for 8years this month.I have a boy and girl with my husband and every Christmas I wonder what my family would be like with her.I stopped receiving letters( not by my choice)a year after we married.I feel very blessed to have my little girl now,I wonder what it would be like having 2 daughters.While things haven't gotten easier,I still miss my other daughter,I have learned to accept things I can not change.Not that I want my daughter back,I just wanted to keep up with her,my yearly letter.So I guess I would say if you have contact you should ask if you could see him or call him.Good luck to you<br />SarahAnonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08597013369557736812noreply@blogger.com