Adoptive Couples Retreat 2012!!!

Sooo stinkin' excited to announce that the dates for the adoptive couples retreat have been set!! April 20th & 21st! Same location as last year. The Hampton Inn and Suites in Orem UT. We have some great things in the works so stay tuned here, or to the Retreats blog here. To read about last years retreat, go here. Seriously it was a blast!! So mark it on your calenders ladies and gents!

Contest time!

I know, I know, I have a lot of blogging to do. And I will, I promise. For now though I wanted to tell you about my new website and contest I am hosting. I have a new website for my photography business. You can check it out on Crowning Touch Photography. Now, for the fun part (although for me, having my own website is pretty darn fun!). I am hosting a contest where one lucky winner will win a free regular photo session. (That means any session but a wedding -that contest will be running next week). Who can enter? How do you win? Check out the details here on my sites blog. And I promise, new posts will be coming soon!

A Fabulous Phone Call!!

Do you remember back in November this guest post from my friend Tammy about coping with a failed placement? I have been sitting on some news for about a month now. And I finally get to spill the beans! For those of you on my facebook, this is the fabulous call I got the other day!

About a month ago (right around Thanksgiving) I got a call from Tammy asking if I could look over a paper copy of their profile. Their lawyer had called them with a possible situtation and she asked if they were interested. After discussing and praying the decided they were. The lawyer asked if they could send a paper profile that she could present to the perspective birthmom. Tammy had been up all night working on it and needed some fresh eyes. After a little tweaking she printed it off and sent it to the lawyer. The wait began. After what seemed like forever, (even for me so you can imagine how bad it was for them not knowing) they finally heard back. On Wednesday evening I got a call from Tammy. I bawled my eyes out needless to say. The perspective birthmom had chosen them to be the parents of her unborn child!!!! The gender of the baby is unknown but is due in February. The lawyer asked her what made her choose Tammy and Mike and she said simply, "She reminds me of myself". They have to find a new lawyer now but frankly they are happy to because as long as all goes well, they will finally be a mommy and a daddy! O.k. tears again, just thinking about it! YAY!!!!!

A room with a door....

Recently in my Communications 1010 class we had to give an oral presentation. The professor allowed us to speak on a topic that we love, are passionate about and are maybe an expert on. Now while I'm not saying I'm an expert on my chosen topic, I did feel confident enough in my knowledge of it to speak. What's that you ask? What was my chosen topic? Why thanks for asking! I chose to speak on something I am extremely passionate about. That is open adoption. I shared a few statistics about adoption and got an audible gasp when I told my audience that less than 1% of unwed expectant mothers choose adoption. They couldn't beleive the number was so low. But that wasn't the point of my presentation. The point was to talk about the benefits of open adoption for those amazing parents who choose adoption. But I had to explain what open adoption was befor discussing the benefits. So that brings me to the purpose of this post.

I used an analogy to describe adoption. I likened adoption to a room with a door. The adoptive family and the child who has been placed are on the inside of the room. The birthfamilies are on the outside. In a closed adoption, the door to the room is closed. You as a birthmom can't see in, and likewise the adoptive family can't see out. There is no contact. The door is completely closed. In a semi-open adoption the door to the room is partially open. As a birthparent you are able to see part of what is going on in the room. You receive letters and pictures, quite often through a third party, but even though you can see part of the room, you don't see all of the room. In an open adoption, the door to the room is all the way open. As a birthparent you can stand in the doorway and see the entire room. You get letters, pictures, emails, phone calls, visits. Often times you are even invited into the room to share in the activities going on inside.

So what do you think? Fair analogy? Did I hit the mark or miss it completely? In a future post I will share what I found to be the benefits for an open adoption. For now, I'm going to bed. I have 2 reviews for finals in the morning. Finals are next week and than 3 weeks till next semester. Looking forward to the break!

2011 Adoption Walk With Me

A few weeks ago I was excited to be able to participate in the Adoption Walk With Me at Liberty Park here in Salt Lake City. I got to meet some new friends, say hi and chat with old friends, finally meet some that I have chatted with online for years it seems like, and just had an all around great time. In addition I was honored to be asked by the r house to photograph this fabulous event. Here are some of my favs from the day. Thank you to everyone who came out and braved the cold dreary weather to show support and adoption loves! It was cold, and dreary, but it was so much fun! Can't wait for next year!

Journey as a birthmom Part 2 ***Guest Blogger

I know I said I would post part 2 of Shantel's journey the other day. Sorry, the holidays are crazy. But here it is!

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Two days before I received the message from Sophie, I read an email from my cousin, Merrady. She was good friends with a couple in New York that were hoping to adopt. They had already had two birth mothers change their minds. As painful as that was, they were still positive in their pursuit of finding a child to share their hearts and adventures with. I briefly looked at their profile and sent Merrady an email telling her I was already working with another family. When things fell through with Sophie, I took the rest of the day to relax and figure out how I felt. The next morning, I sent Merrady an email with an update, and looked more at David and Jessica's family profile. They seemed so warm and loving, and I began to get excited to get to know them a little better. I emailed them, and shortly after Jessica and I spoke on the phone. Immediately, I loved her. She was so kind and funny. The sadness I felt from Sophie dissipated, and I knew that I had found the right family to move forward with.David and Jessica were very understanding of my situation with Cory, and they were happy to be there for me as I made plans to leave the relationship. We were all very lucky that Cory willingly signed his relinquishment papers before I left. There were very ugly things that happened between us as I prepared to leave. Even now as I think of him, I choose not to be angry with him. There will always be a special connection between us, and I am grateful for the experiences I had in our relationship. Cory has many great qualities, and I wish him all the best. David and Jessica are always thankful to him, as none of this would have happened without him. He is always in all of our hearts, and I hope that someday he can move past the pain that this has caused him, and have a good relationship with David and Jessica, and his son.Yes, that's right, I said son! Shortly after I began speaking to David and Jessica, we all found out we would be having a boy. I felt early on that I was having a boy. David and Jessica were so excited, and quickly shared the news with their friends and family. My family was also very happy with this news too. There were many emotions throughout my pregnancy that made it difficult to know that adoption was the right choice. Somewhere deep down, I felt that this boy belonged with David and Jessica. I knew that he was brought to me for a reason, that this would be an amazing lesson for me. Never in my life will I again be able to do something this loving, and the knowledge of that is very comforting. When I left Cory, I moved about 3 hours away. I missed my sister, and Mariann as they were physically closest to me. I was sad and lonely at times, but loved being able to be with Brynn. We were together every day again, and that was worth any pain or struggle I had to go through. Shortly after moving, David and Jessica came from New York to visit me in Utah. It was the craziest 2 days ever. We spent time eating yummy meals together, did some shopping where they generously bought me clothes to get me thorough my pregnancy days feeling beautiful, and enjoyed being able to squeeze on each other and actually see each others big smiles. They were able to attend my 20 week appointment with our new doctor, and were there for me through the amniocentesis and genetic counseling session that took us all by surprise. In those 2 days, we were all able to see our sweet boy in ultrasounds several times, hear his heartbeat, and share the love that this amazing life had connected us all with. They went home, which was hard for us all. We knew it would be awhile before we would see each other again, but we stayed in constant contact over the next several months. We shared pictures in emails, and stayed in touch with daily text messages and many phone conversations. Jessica became my best friend. She has been there for me since the first time we spoke. If ever things are hard for me to handle, or if I have good news to share, I know who to call. Not only did I have their support, but also all of their family and friends were cheering us on. Go Team Desi!!!After having a difficult pregnancy with Brynn, I felt so blessed to have a beautiful pregnancy with Desi. There were hard times in the beginning with morning sickness, and the last trimester I had issues with carpal tunnel. But I enjoyed every minute of it. I knew that was the only time I would have with this sweet boy all to myself, and I cherished it. It all seemed to go so quickly.

Once I was settled into my new home, I began attending therapy. I am beyond grateful for the opportunity to do that, to have the support of an outside party to help me process the emotions and challenges of placement, as well as past issues and strengthening my parenting skills. When it was time for Desi to make his grand entrance, David and Jessica were able to attend a session with my therapist and she also came and did a session with me in the hospital. I thank her for her support and guidance, she is a very neat lady. She has such great advice for me, and also for David and Jessica in transitioning as new parents and how to have a successful relationship with me in our open adoption.Telling Brynn about the pregnancy was a delicate issue, one which I spent much time pondering what was right for her, and what would help her understand. Knowing that she had no concept of time, I waited for quite awhile to tell her. I didn't want her to spend time worrying about me and what would happen. In October, I snuggle up with her. I told her how I met David and Jessica from my cousin, and that they couldn't have their own babies. They asked mommy to do them a big favor and have a baby for them. I explained how special this was, and how they were wonderful people who really deserved something nice to happen to them. And that mommy was very brave and kind to help them become a family. At first she was sad, since she longed for a sibling. As time passed she became more comfortable for her. My main goal in telling her was to always keep openness and honesty a big part of our relationship. When she is older, we will be able to talk more about Desi. About how he is her half brother. For now she understands him as her spirit brother. We take it one day at at time with her. She loves to see pictures of him and hear cute stories of how he is doing, but sometimes it is too much for her. I can relate, as it has been the same for me at times.December came around so quickly. The pregnancy continued with only a minor speed bump at about 33 weeks. I rested as much as possible and took the best care of my growing body and sweet baby boy. Granted this pregnancy is how I developed my love affair with chocolate and lemonade, but hey, there are worse things I could be putting in my body. Before any of us knew it, David and Jessica along with her parents, Steve and Roz, hopped on an airplane headed for Utah. Merrady was headed here from California to visit for Christmas, deciding to come a few days early to meet our little guy. Since Desi was developing well, we had scheduled an induction for 7am on December 21st. David and Jessica came to spend some time with me and the big belly, spoiling me again and enjoying all the excitement in the air. We met up with Steve, Roz and Merrady for a lovely dinner. It was such a fun night, I really enjoyed spending time with Merrady, who I hadn't seen for too long, and meeting Jessica's parents. They are the sweetest people ever, and I am so blessed to be a part of their family. We all went home, looking forward to seeing each other bright and early for our induction.When we established the date to induce, it was my decision, backed up by David and Jessica's support and the all clear from our doctor. I had feelings like maybe I was forcing his birthday to be that day, and that maybe he was supposed to come when HE wanted to, not when I felt it was best. At 4am, 3 hours before our planned trip to the hospital, my water broke. I took this as a sign that he was in agreement with being born on that day. He was just as glad to meet us as we were to meet him. I woke David and Jessica up, and they drove through a crazy snowstorm to come take me to the hospital. My sister, and dad came up to be with me. Steve and Roz also joined us and waited patiently for things to progress. After 12 hours of labor, Desmond Rhys graced us with his presence. That 7lb 3 oz, 20 1/4 inch boy was placed right on my chest, and I fell so in love. David was able to cut the cord, while Jessica gave me and our sweet boy a big squeeze. No one could stop smiling. I was able to feed him his first bottle, and David and Jessica watched him have his first bath. There were complications with passing the after birth, and I am lucky to have a great doctor and awesome team of nurses taking great care of me. Desi was very healthy, and was so content. We were all able to share in caring for him over the next 48 hours in the hospital. I love thinking about that time I was able to share with him, and loved seeing David and Jessica bond with their son. My mom was able to come visit me the day after he was born, and take pictures and spend time with everyone. My best friend Tyler also came to see me that night, he was my biggest supporter through my pregnancy, and soon he will be my husband. {And that is a whole other story...}


The biggest relief came the day after Desi was born. Instead of having to go to court and sign my relinquishment papers in front of a judge, I was able to have our Utah lawyer and a social worker come to the hospital. David, Jessica, and I gathered with the officials in my room. We were read the documents by the social worker, and I signed all my parental rights over to the people I trust the most with everything I have inside me. This beautiful, intimate ceremony is a memory I will always treasure. No one outside of this adoption circle will ever know what a positive thing it was for all of us. I am so grateful to Merrady for connecting us, and for everyone who has and will continue to support the love that we all share. Such a beautiful, sweet boy came into our lives and has connected us all forever.





After placement, I spent some time at my sister's home. She took care of me when I developed serious infections from the after birth complications. She took me to the hospital for doses of IV antibiotics every 8 hours for 8 days. Not to mention she had a spirited 2 year old and was rather pregnant at the time. She was there for me when I cried and made me laugh in the way only a sister can. She is the definition of an angel. After I felt well enough to return home and back to my life with Brynn, Tyler drove the 6 hour round trip to pick me up. He has been there for me through my saddest and darkest times during my healing process. He has brightened my everyday just with his presence. I can't even tell you how much I love this man. Not only to I love him, but so does Brynn. And everyone else who is blessed to know him. Seriously, this man is amazing. I love open adoption! The relationship I share with Desi and his parents is fantastic. They are so open and honest with me. They will work with whatever I am comfortable with as far as contact goes. They understand when I need space to process my emotions, and are there for me to share in all of our happiness too. I couldn't have wished for a better outcome in all of this. Desi is blessed to be surrounded by love. I am thankful to his parents for making it so important that he will always know about me, my love for him, and the beautiful story of how his life began. Seeing pictures and hearing updates on his progress and life is so blissful. Soon, I hope to be able to travel to New York and visit the Eastern division of Team Desi. I miss that sweet boy, every minute of everyday.

( Shantel & her fiance' Tyler at the 2011 Adoption Walk With Me in Salt Lake City Utah November 12, 2011 Go Team Desi!! )

Journey as a birthmom Part 1 ***Guest Blogger

Have you ever met someone and known pretty much immediately that they were going be someone special in your life, that you had just met a life long friend? Ya, that's the way it was when I met my next guest blogger. It was the first day of school and I was sitting in math class. I had to introduce myself and so I said that I am a wife and a mom. I have two girls, one who was brought to us through adoption. A few people later she introduced herself and yup, she would be a friend for life! She is so sweet and caring and loving and selfless. Her name is Shantel. She is a mom to Brynn, and a birthmom to Desi. We grew through the adoption connection, but we are finding we have more and more in common as well. Thank you Shantel for being so willing to share your journey. Shantel's journey will be a 2 part post. The first part today, and the concluding part tomorrow.

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Sometimes you wish for something so hard. You wish to be stronger. You wish things would work out they way you want them to, when you want them to, and why you want them to. It is beyond frustrating when all of your efforts toward your goals cause so much pain, and challenges you are not sure you can handle. In my life, many tough things have come my way by chance or choice. Looking at those events as lessons is something I strive to do.When I was 16 years old, I made several choices that will forever effect my life. I chose to become a mother to Brynn, and a wife to Tyson. Taking this path was incredibly difficult, yet has brought so much happiness and beauty to my life. Being a mother to this spunky, hilarious, adorable child is such a blessing. Tyson and I love Brynn, so much that when things were so difficult for us to cooperate as a couple, we knew that is was best not to continue our marriage. Sometimes I am sad that she had to grow up like I did, in two separate homes. My biggest hope is that she will always see how much we both care for her, and will one day understand what we did was out of love, and not anger. I am glad my parents were mature enough to know that they were better parents to us apart than they ever could have been as a couple. What I learned in struggling to accept their divorce has made me a much more understanding and forgiving person. I thank both of my parents, and Tyson, for the choices they were a part of, and for the strength I gather from those lessons. I forgive them, and I love them for what they have brought to my life.Being a single mother is an enormous challenge. What I have been through with Brynn, I wouldn't wish anyone to have to experience. The strength my daughter will gather from the things we have faced together is something that I try not to feel guilty towards, rather know that she will be a stronger person because of them. She is amazingly caring and can make me laugh harder than anyone I know. She is my best friend, and I hope she will always consider me hers. For 3 years, it was just Brynn and I. We had the support of my family, and she was able to spend time with her dad. But mostly it was just me and my girl. Our whole world shifted when I met Cory. He was so unique, and I was fascinated with him. He had a son, Xander, who was six months younger than Brynn. How exciting was this?! Maybe Brynn and I could have a family after all, we could have two handsome boys to share our life with. I spent more and more time with Cory, and Brynn spent more time with Tyson. I can't say that we grew apart, but there came a time that Brynn wanted to live with her dad. After some time and thought, we all agreed this would be a good option for everyone. It was hard to be her only parent, to have all of that responsibility. And it was hard for me to know that Tyson was missing out on things in her life, and deserved to have to opportunity to experience that.Soon after this, I moved in with Cory. I loved the things that I was experiencing with him. As our relationship grew, I overlooked things that he did that were painful to me, still holding onto that wish that we would be a family. I have no doubt that Cory did love me, but not in a way that I could function with. Everyone on the outside could see how unhealthy our relationship was. I could see it too, but after 4 years of knowing nothing but a life with him, it seemed impossible that there could be anything else out there. No one else would want to deal with what came along in a life with me. Staying was so hard, but finding a way to leave was much harder. To back track a little.... When Cory and I began dating, I found out that I had pre-cancerous cells on my cervix. Seriously, I am 20 years old, how can this be happening? The thought of developing cancer was haunting. I had several treatments and surgeries trying to fight off my aggressive illness. After hearing great news that after 2 years of treatment, the final surgery had worked, I was beyond ecstatic. The news following this was something I was unsure of how to deal with. Due to the severe scarring on my cervix, I would not be able to conceive a child. If I wanted to have more children, I would need to explore other options of conception and be aware that carrying the child would be less of a worry, but could also present problems. I saw another doctor, who also told me the same thing. Having Brynn was something I was so happy about, but wasn't I supposed to have more children? Didn't I want to have more babies? After many discussions with Cory, I was at peace with the diagnosis. Even happy. My pregnancy with Brynn was.... horrible. As grateful as I was to feel cancer was no longer a worry, I was even more grateful that trips to the doctor were over. I didn't want to spend another moment with my legs shaking in stirrups, trying to calm myself and not be afraid of the pain. So life went on, knowing I was going to have Brynn, and hoping that I could allow myself to get the place where I was supposed to be.Again my little world shifted when I woke up and knew, some how just KNEW, that I was pregnant. I couldn't shake the thought. I tried to rationalize this crazy notion with memories of speaking with my doctors, of knowing I couldn't even get pregnant. Not only could this not be a possibility, but I didn't want it to be. Wasn't I trying to find my way out of this negative relationship I had let consume my life? I wished to have my self back again, I wanted to have the simple times of Brynn and I again. You know you are in trouble when you miss your own smile, and long to hear your own laughter. Three positive pregnancy tests later, my crazy thoughts were confirmed. Immediately, I was flooded with a mix of emotions. I was scared, for the health of this child and my own. I was worried how Cory was going to react, and what this meant for my plans of freedom. But the strongest emotion was happiness. I was pregnant. And that knowledge was such a blessing. Taking some time to decide what to do with this blessing, this lesson, was what I needed to do.As it turns out, I would make my decision a lot sooner than I thought. The first person I told of my pregnancy was my friend Em. She was so excited for me. As happy as I was, I knew that I would be foolish to bring a child into such a negative environment. I knew I needed out, and so my options were to parent this child alone, or to find a family to place him with that would care for him in ways I was unable to at the time. As nervous as I was about what his reaction would be, I told Cory right away. I told him that I knew it was the last thing he probably wanted to hear, but that we were going to have a child. I told him I understood completely if he did not want to be in our lives. He had an extremely difficult relationship with Xander's mother, and it was hard for him to be close with his son due to that. The last thing I wanted was for either of us to have any more negative feelings towards each other. So I gave him the freedom to be involved as little or as much as possible. Feeling that I was leaning more towards parenting, we discussed the situation very openly. He reminded me of all the challenges Brynn and I had dealt with, and asked me if I was willing to do that to another child. We both already knew that was not something this child deserved. We decided at that point that we would begin the search to find a family to pursue and adoption plan with. I will forever be grateful to Cory for being supportive of this choice, and for allowing our baby to make his way to where he belonged.Shortly after deciding on placement, I told several people who were close to me. I told my sister and brother, my dad, and my dear friend Mariann. They were all so amazing to me. My sister has helped me to be strong, my brother can always make me smile, and my dad is wonderful at listening and helping me think of ways to look at things with a new perspective. Mariann became my rock. She supported my creative endeavors, and was always there to lean on for strength through my waves of emotions. After struggling with carrying her biological children, she and her husband were able to adopt their daughter, Whitney. Two years later, she was able to carry Jeremy to term. She had a closed adoption with Whitney's birth parents, and this really helped me to see the beautiful relationship that can exist between adoptive parents and birth parents. I knew that I wanted an open adoption, not only so that I would always know that my child was safe and loved, but also so that I could be able to recover from this overwhelmingly emotional experience. Both of Mariann's children were away at school, so I did not have the opportunity to meet Whitney until after placing the baby. I did however have the pleasure of meeting Whitney's best friend, Daniel, who was also adopted. Mariann told him I was expecting, and was placing my child with an adoptive family. Immediately he had a huge smile on his face and told me "Awesome! It takes a really great mom to be able to do that for her child." This is honestly one of the best experiences I had during this process. Most people that you tell look at you and say "Ohhh, that is so sad..." This was never meant to be sad or negative in anyway. Of course, there are times I cry, and that will probably never change. I will always cherish that sweet comment from Daniel, and remember that things will be okay, and that I am doing something great.Note that one of the first people that I told the news of my pregnancy and adoption plan was not my mother. She and I have always had an interesting relationship. She was a huge influence on the choices I made as a young adult. And during this time, our relationship was strained due to her feelings towards Cory. Knowing how I react and handle her opinions, I decided to not inform her of any of my circumstances. I wanted to know that I had made choices that were best for me and the baby, not what she thought was best for anyone. I love my mother, and I am very grateful for the lessons I have learned in life through our relationship, even if they were very difficult. When I felt the time was right, I told her what my plans were and was grateful that she could be understanding and supportive, even if it was difficult for her.With support around me and a knowledge of what is right in my heart, I began to look for a family for this sweet baby. Cory has a friend, Teena, that he rides mountain bikes with. Her daughter, Sophie, and her husband had been hoping to adopt for the past 5 years. When Teena heard our story, she put Sophie and I in contact with each other. While still viewing other family profiles, I began working with Sophie. Cory and I felt like they would be a great family to place with. They have a son close to Brynn's age. They had many attributes that I was looking for in a family. Sophie was a nice person, but something didn't seem quite right with her. After about a month of working with her, she called and left me a voice mail, telling me that they had changed their minds and did not want to adopt our baby. I was sad, and felt like this was very cold of her to do. Cory probably took it harder than I did. These were people he knew. We finally felt like we had some stability, and then everything fell out from under us again. To this day I have not heard another word from Sophie. I have no hard feelings towards her, and I only wish the best for her family. As sad as I was at the time, I know this happened for a reason. I couldn't be happier that her honesty opened up a beautiful opportunity for the people who remain involved in our adoption story.