Welcome to our corner of the web! Here you will learn about our family and our journey of a family member adoption. In July of 2010, after 9 years of trying to add to our family and 5 years after we started our adoption journey, we welcomed baby Emily Rose. Emily's birth mom is Sharon's adopted sister. We look forward to someday adopting more children but for now, we are enjoying our time together as a family of 4!

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Coping with a Failed Placement **Guest Blogger

This is my friend Tammy and her husband Mike. We met while hubby and I lived in New Mexico a few years ago. They are an amazing couple, and have just endured what I would say is every hopeful adoptive families worst nightmare. I was hesitant to ask Tammy if she would do this guest post since it has only been a month. When I did ask her, she said she would be glad to and that perhaps it would help someone else. She wants couples who go through a failed placement to know that it's o.k. to grieve. It's o.k. to have days that you can't get out of bed. A part of her will always miss and love that sweet baby boy. And that's o.k. too.


We were matched with a birth mother in April of 2011. She was about 17 weeks along and to be honest, the phone calls at first were a little awkward. We spoke very often. As time went by, we grew closer. One question I would ask her periodically was: “Are you still sure you are ok with the adoption plan?” Every time I would ask, she would tell me she was.

As the months passed, we let our guard down more and more. We were so excited. We were going to be parents!! We started buying a few things, our friends and family were giving us baby clothes, furniture, diapers, etc. We opened up a baby registry and were even discussing a baby shower. Things were going according to plan.

In mid September, the day finally came for us to pack our bags and go meet our son. We drove straight through the night (our birth mother lived out of state) and arrived about 2 days before he was born. I felt honored that she wanted me to be in the delivery room for the birth. After he was born, I was chosen to cut the umbilical cord and she asked the nurse to hand the baby to me first. I was beyond words. I was finally a mother!

The baby and our birth mother were released a few days later and she allowed us to have the baby the first night. I didn’t sleep at all. I was in heaven. I was holding my son and in a few short hours we all would be signing paperwork and we would be a family.

The next morning, we were preparing to go to the appointment to sign placement papers. Our birth mother came and took the baby out of my arms saying she had to stop by her house and that she would see us there, and then she left. Although I didn’t have a good feeling, I said OK and we decided to run some errands to kill time before the appointment.

That was when our world fell apart. During one of our errands, the adoption caseworker called my husband on his cell phone and I could tell by his face, that it was not good news. After the phone call, we got into the car and I found out that our birth mother never went to the appointment. She called the caseworker and said that she couldn’t go through with it.

Needless to say, we were stunned. I usually am not at a loss for words, but I was so shocked, that it actually took a couple of days for me to comprehend what was going on.

We waited a few more days before we came home, hoping she would change her mind. She didn’t. So, we packed up and came home.

It has been just a little over a month since everything happened. We had to undo everything we had done for the nursery. It was too difficult to look at all the baby stuff every day. My husband put everything he could into the garage. For now, that room is back to being the guest room.

This past month has been one of the hardest in my life. I cry on a whim and some days it is all I can do just to get out of bed in the morning. Some days are better than others, but I am still coping with the loss of our son. The hardest part is that he will never know us. Someone else will be wiping his tears, rocking him to sleep, and watching him grow. He will never know how much we love him and all we sacrificed to be a part of his life.

We still have not heard from our former birth mother. We never will. The day it happened, that she changed her mind; the first thing we did when we got back to the place we were staying was to get on our knees and beg the Lord to help us forgive her. Are we angry, hurt, and devastated? Yes, of course. Even though we don’t agree with her decision, we are trying to understand. We don’t know the pain of placing a child for adoption, but we think that we deserved to have her tell us of her decision herself.

We are hoping to adopt again. We are going to use this experience as a learning tool. There are things we will do differently the next time. What won’t change is our testimony of adoption. It is a blessing, it creates families.

I hope that no one has to ever experience the pain of a failed placement. If you do, feel free to contact me. Our email is nmparents2b@gmail.com

Tammy and Mike are hoping to adopt. If you or someone you know is considering adoption for their child, you can find out more about them at Completeing Our Circle.

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