Welcome to our corner of the web! Here you will learn about our family and our journey of a family member adoption. In July of 2010, after 9 years of trying to add to our family and 5 years after we started our adoption journey, we welcomed baby Emily Rose. Emily's birth mom is Sharon's adopted sister. We look forward to someday adopting more children but for now, we are enjoying our time together as a family of 4!

Friday, April 30, 2010

Realizing a new dream

The following post is so personal and dear to me, that I struggled with whether to post it or not. I'm not the best at writting and conveying my feelings. My hope and prayer is that my words and journey will be of comfort to someone who has also struggled with infertility.
How can something be one of your most difficult challenges, but yet at the same time, be one of your greatest blessings? This week is National Infertility Awareness Week and as I look back on our journey, this is the way I feel about our struggle with infertility. I was diagnosed years ago, but honestly it didn't hit me as a big deal until I met my husband over 9 years ago. Having to let go of the dream of carrying a child that was both my husband and me combined. Having to let go of the dream of having our little one kick inside me and seeing the joy on Jacob's face when he feels the kicks too. Having to let go of being able to say, "honey, can you go get me *insert weird craving here*" and then say, "but honey, the baby wants it!" when he looks at me like I'm crazy for craving such a thing. Having to let go of all of the dreams has been heart wrenching. But this is what we have had to do. Not only do I have a tipped uterus, stage 4 endometriosis, PCOS, and blocked tubes, but even if I could get pregnant, I shouldn't. I have a spinal cord condition called Syringomyelia. Basically it's a Syrinx (hole) in my spinal cord that is filled with the cerebral spinal fluid that is supposed to be surrounding my brain. I can lead a normal life with it, and I do, but because of the size and location of the syrinx, Dr.'s have told me that if I were to get pregnant the pregnancy could put too much strain on my spinal cord and it could lead to paralysis.

So these dreams are dreams I have no choice but to let go of, and that realization sucks. I have blamed myself, and as hard as this is to admit, I have blamed Heavenly Father. I have wondered, what did I do to deserve this? Why am I not good enough to give my husband what he so desperately wants, the chance to be a father? Is it because I had a child at 16? I mean, I was diagnosed a year later with endometriosis, so maybe this, my infertility, was my punishment. And then I got angry. I'm a pretty good mom if I do say so myself, and Jacob is an amazing stepdad to Tammy. We would be awesome parents to more children if given the chance. So why was it that I couldn't do what women were made to do? Why couldn't I, give my husband a child? In all honesty, I felt like a failure as a wife, and as a woman.

Something that I have had to realize though is that the Lord has a different plan for us. I no longer blame myself, and I'm not angry at Heavenly Father like I had been. The interesting thing to me is that when my husband found out having children with me would be impossible, he was o.k. with it. He was more then o.k., he told me that he had always known, from the time he was little, that he would not have children that were biologically his. He knew that he would have the opportunity to adopt and build his family that way. And he rejoices in that. I am so grateful for the husband I am blessed with. A man who even though he knew we were not meant to have children in the "normal way", a child that would be a combination of the two of us, he still patiently put up with my desires to get pregnant. He held me when I cried each month when the test came up negative, or when my cycle started. Something that I don't talk about often, and have never mentioned before on this blog is that early on in our journey I did get pregnant, several times. My body was not strong enough to handle being pregnant and I lost each baby. He held me and cried with me each time. And when I found out from the Dr.s' that even if I could get pregnant now, I shouldn't, Jacob was upbeat and positive about it. When I went to him and told him I was ready to start the adoption process again and asked him how he felt about that, he simply said, "I've been ready, I was just waiting for you".

Out of all the trials and struggles I have faced in my life, infertility is probably the most difficult to accept. But, on the flip side, it is the greatest blessing. If not for infertility and adoption, I would not have some of my amazing family members. And I would not have the opportunity to become a mother of two through this wonderful gift of adoption. And for that wonderful, miraculous blessing, I thank Heavenly Father. And I thank our wonderful, beautiful, amazing, angel, K. If I were not infertile, our miracle baby, would be going to another family. But because I am, she is coming to ours. And that, is a gift I could never repay, and never say thank you enough for.

Letting go of my dreams of being able to carry another child, has made way for a new dream. I watch K and I am in awe of her strength. She is amazing. Everytime I see her, yes, her belly grows, but so does the light in her eyes and the love in her heart for this beautiful little girl she is carrying. And I am so blessed that K trusts me enough to let me love this sweet little girl too. I can't wait to meet her and to hold her and tell her what a wonderful young woman her K is. And I can't wait to introduce Jacob to his new baby daughter and to see him hold her for the first time. Just the thought, brings tears of joy.


For more information about infertility, or to read more stories from some really amazing women, including my dear friend Tammy and my new friend Brittany, go to Lindsey's blog, The R House.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Resolve Article on Infertility Etiquette

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW). My friend Lindsey over at The R House (you know how I love Lindsey!) posted this on her blog on Monday. I just had to share. It was originally taken from the Resolve website (The National Infertility Association website) It's a long read, but if you know someone, and chances are, you do, who has infertility, this is a must read.
*****This is in no way meant to make those who don't struggle with Infertility(IF) feel bad, or make them feel like they are being called insensitive. It is for those who know someone who struggles with IF but doesn't know what to say. It is to help them so they will know what not to say.
Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than seven million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.

Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.

The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.

As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money.

A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:

•They will eventually conceive a baby.
•They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.
•They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster parent.
Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support.

Don't Tell Them to Relax

Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.

Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.

These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a cruise . . ." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.

Don't Minimize the Problem

Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.

Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.

Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen

Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?

Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen.

People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.

Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents

One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.

Don't Ask Why They Aren't Trying IVF

In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man's sperm in a petri dish. This is the method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual tone they would use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another store?"

Don't Be Crude

It is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but some of you need to hear this-Don't make crude jokes about your friend's vulnerable position. Crude comments like "I'll donate the sperm" or "Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination" are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.

Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy

This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.

The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.

Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."

I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.

Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant

For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.

Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.

Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.

Don't Gossip About Your Friend's Condition

Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men especially are very sensitive to letting people know about infertility testing, such as sperm counts. Gossiping about infertility is not usually done in a malicious manner. The gossipers are usually well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about infertility so they can help their loved ones.

Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone else, it hurts and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank teller knows what your husband's sperm count is and when your next period is expected. Infertility is something that should be kept as private as your friend wants to keep it. Respect your friend's privacy, and don't share any information that your friend hasn't authorized.

Don't Push Adoption (Yet)

Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. (As an adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!) However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, "Why do you want to adopt a baby?" Instead, the question was, "Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?" Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.

You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn't her "own," then adoption isn't the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.

Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, "Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.") However, "pushing" the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.

So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say "I am giving you this baby," there is nothing you can say that will erase their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself. It isn't your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lesson the load. Here are a few ideas.

Let Them Know That You Care

The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren't going through this alone.

Remember Them on Mother's Day

With all of the activity on Mother's Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother's Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law.

Mother's Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother's Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven't "forgotten" them.

Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments

No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes.

Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don't encourage them to try again, and don't discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don't try to open that chapter again.

Friday, April 9, 2010

Book, classes, names, and the sweetest sound.....

On Tuesday I got to go to our Birthmom K's dr. appt. It was so neat. I took the video camera with me so that I could record the baby's heartbeat since Jacob couldn't be there. I was concentrating on holding the camera steady so I didn't really pay attention to what I was hearing until I put the camera down. When I stopped recording I realized that the sound I was hearing was that of our baby girl's heartbeat. I couldn't help myself, I started crying. After almost 9 years of waiting, hoping, and praying for a little one.... It was the sweetest sound...... K was beaming. We really do love her!

It was such a neat and emotional day. I gave K a gift. I gave her this book :

It is written by Michael McLean and has a CD in the back with 6 of his songs, all adoption related. It is such a sweet book. We bought a copy for ourselves and gave the other one to K. It is a book I have heard about from other adoptive couples and have been wanting to get for awhile. So when I was at Deseret Book the other day I saw it and bought it. A lady who was in line next to me said that she had just bought it for her daughter who had placed her baby for adoption a year before and that it had been a help to her daughter to help her heal. I highly recommend it to anyone involved in the adoption world. It really is a beautiful book.

K gave us a bunch of baby things she has been collecting, including some of her old baby clothes. So sweet!

K's next appt. is in a month. She is now at 24 weeks along. The dr. said everything is going great. K is going to start child birth classes soon. I hope to be able to go to at least some of them with her. Since she is 2 hours away I may not be able to go to all of them, but hopefully I can make it to some of them.

I have been asked quite a lot if we have picked a name yet. We have decided on a middle name, but the first name is still up in the air. The baby's middle name will be Rose, after her birthmom (it's K's middle name as well). As for the first name, we are deciding between Emily and Melissa. Although we are leaning towards Melissa. Mostly because Melissa is of course the name of my friend who passed away in January. The only problem is that Jacob's brother John and his wife Dawn named their baby Melissa last year. I don't know if we want 2 Melissa's so close together (they will be 15 months apart, although if we do go with Melissa, we will use a nickname like Missy or something along those lines). K likes both names so we can't go wrong with either. We will probably take a list of names to the hospital and decide on the first name after the baby is here.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Formspring~ Everyone's doing it. ;o)

A lot of the blogs I read have added this feature called formspring. I'm finding that I'm running out of things to blog about, so I thougt I would add this feature too. Maybe it will give me ideas.
If you look over on the right hand side of my blog you will see a formspring question block. You can ask me anything. I will answer, you may not like the answer, but I'll answer. ;o) It can be about our lives, what types of music, movies, books, etc. we like. It can be about adoption, my life as a teen mom, our faith. Anything. Just ask.
You can use your name, or remain anonymous. I look forward to chatting with you!