Realizing a new dream

The following post is so personal and dear to me, that I struggled with whether to post it or not. I'm not the best at writting and conveying my feelings. My hope and prayer is that my words and journey will be of comfort to someone who has also struggled with infertility.
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How can something be one of your most difficult challenges, but yet at the same time, be one of your greatest blessings? This week is National Infertility Awareness Week and as I look back on our journey, this is the way I feel about our struggle with infertility. I was diagnosed years ago, but honestly it didn't hit me as a big deal until I met my husband over 9 years ago. Having to let go of the dream of carrying a child that was both my husband and me combined. Having to let go of the dream of having our little one kick inside me and seeing the joy on Jacob's face when he feels the kicks too. Having to let go of being able to say, "honey, can you go get me *insert weird craving here*" and then say, "but honey, the baby wants it!" when he looks at me like I'm crazy for craving such a thing. Having to let go of all of the dreams has been heart wrenching. But this is what we have had to do. Not only do I have a tipped uterus, stage 4 endometriosis, PCOS, and blocked tubes, but even if I could get pregnant, I shouldn't. I have a spinal cord condition called Syringomyelia. Basically it's a Syrinx (hole) in my spinal cord that is filled with the cerebral spinal fluid that is supposed to be surrounding my brain. I can lead a normal life with it, and I do, but because of the size and location of the syrinx, Dr.'s have told me that if I were to get pregnant the pregnancy could put too much strain on my spinal cord and it could lead to paralysis.

So these dreams are dreams I have no choice but to let go of, and that realization sucks. I have blamed myself, and as hard as this is to admit, I have blamed Heavenly Father. I have wondered, what did I do to deserve this? Why am I not good enough to give my husband what he so desperately wants, the chance to be a father? Is it because I had a child at 16? I mean, I was diagnosed a year later with endometriosis, so maybe this, my infertility, was my punishment. And then I got angry. I'm a pretty good mom if I do say so myself, and Jacob is an amazing stepdad to Tammy. We would be awesome parents to more children if given the chance. So why was it that I couldn't do what women were made to do? Why couldn't I, give my husband a child? In all honesty, I felt like a failure as a wife, and as a woman.

Something that I have had to realize though is that the Lord has a different plan for us. I no longer blame myself, and I'm not angry at Heavenly Father like I had been. The interesting thing to me is that when my husband found out having children with me would be impossible, he was o.k. with it. He was more then o.k., he told me that he had always known, from the time he was little, that he would not have children that were biologically his. He knew that he would have the opportunity to adopt and build his family that way. And he rejoices in that. I am so grateful for the husband I am blessed with. A man who even though he knew we were not meant to have children in the "normal way", a child that would be a combination of the two of us, he still patiently put up with my desires to get pregnant. He held me when I cried each month when the test came up negative, or when my cycle started. Something that I don't talk about often, and have never mentioned before on this blog is that early on in our journey I did get pregnant, several times. My body was not strong enough to handle being pregnant and I lost each baby. He held me and cried with me each time. And when I found out from the Dr.s' that even if I could get pregnant now, I shouldn't, Jacob was upbeat and positive about it. When I went to him and told him I was ready to start the adoption process again and asked him how he felt about that, he simply said, "I've been ready, I was just waiting for you".

Out of all the trials and struggles I have faced in my life, infertility is probably the most difficult to accept. But, on the flip side, it is the greatest blessing. If not for infertility and adoption, I would not have some of my amazing family members. And I would not have the opportunity to become a mother of two through this wonderful gift of adoption. And for that wonderful, miraculous blessing, I thank Heavenly Father. And I thank our wonderful, beautiful, amazing, angel, K. If I were not infertile, our miracle baby, would be going to another family. But because I am, she is coming to ours. And that, is a gift I could never repay, and never say thank you enough for.

Letting go of my dreams of being able to carry another child, has made way for a new dream. I watch K and I am in awe of her strength. She is amazing. Everytime I see her, yes, her belly grows, but so does the light in her eyes and the love in her heart for this beautiful little girl she is carrying. And I am so blessed that K trusts me enough to let me love this sweet little girl too. I can't wait to meet her and to hold her and tell her what a wonderful young woman her K is. And I can't wait to introduce Jacob to his new baby daughter and to see him hold her for the first time. Just the thought, brings tears of joy.

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For more information about infertility, or to read more stories from some really amazing women, including my dear friend Tammy and my new friend Brittany, go to Lindsey's blog, The R House.