Bad blogger!

Dude! I suck at this blogging thing now. I'm sorry! Forgive me! (As if anyone still reads my blog.) It's National Adoption Month and I haven't written a thing. Eek! In my defense life has been crazy busy. Tamara is less than 2 months away from being a high school graduate. Hubs is in full swing with school and his first semester in the masters program. I am in full swing in my third semester for school as well. And Emily just keeps getting cuter and smarter every day. I promise I will try to get better at blogging. So much has gone on with our adoption. So many growing pains. I will blog about them soon. It's finals time though so it may be closer to Christmas before I get to. I'm sorry! I need to figure out a schedule that includes a little blog time here and there.  Oh, and recovery is going well for me. I still have a few bad days here and there but they are few and far between now. And only really happen if I over do it too much, too many days in a row. I have more energy now than I used to, and that I am actually able to lose weight is an added bonus. I still have a long recovery to go, but I feel good.

Update

Life has been busy the last few weeks. All 4 of us started school. Jacob is in the Masters program at the U as a full time student and is also working full time. Tamara has just started her Senior year in High School. She is planning on graduating early and will be done in January. She is starting cosmetology school in February. After getting her license she will be able to work at a salon or resort and work her way through a traditional college. I am in my 2nd year (3rd semester) at SLCC in photography. After I get my associates I will move on to the U or UVU and get my Bachelors in Photojournalism/Mass Communications. I am going full time as well. Miss Em just turned 2 which means she is old enough for the day care at my school which is a preschool style facility. I was worried how she would do since she has never been watched by anyone other than friends and family. But she is thriving and doing fantastic. Between school, work, renovations to the house (our basement has flooded 4 times in the last 3 months so we had to start the basement renovation and put the kitchen renovation on hold.) we are a very busy bunch. Life is good though. The girls are growing up so much. Here are some photos of them just this isn't an all worded post.

(All of Tamara's photos were done by me. All of Emily's are by Fotofly.)

Recovery

I went to the hospital bright and early Tuesday morning (literally, had to be there at 6am). My mom came to stay with Emily who unfortunately woke up just before we left which was nice because I got to kiss her before I left, but it was bad because that means my mom got no sleep. (She hadn't slept before coming to our house at 5:30) Jacob went with my to the hospital and was in my room when they wheeled me up from recovery. Things went fairly well. The doctor found exactly what we expected her to find. Turns out I may have had a condition called Adenomyosis. I guess that is when the endometriosis is actually in the muscles of the uterus. We'll wait for the report from the lab but the dr is pretty sure on that one. I definitely had polycystic ovaries, scared tissue, endometriosis elsewhere and a few other things. But she got it all and I am on the way to recovering. It will be a long hard road, but I can do it. The hot flashes are a bugger though!

Am I ready for the big H?

A month ago I went to the doctor for my annual check up. Everything was routine. The doctor asked how I was managing the pain from my endometriosis. (I have had stage 4 for 16 years now, several surgeries, it keeps coming back) I told her that it was fine until a year or so ago and the pain started getting bad and it gotten to the point where it was almost constant. She told me that some people have had success with a certain IUD that last for 5 years. She said that she would like to try that and see if that would stop the pain all together. I agreed. To put it bluntly, this last month has been pure hell. (Pardon my language.) Pain like you wouldn't believe! I wake up screaming from a dead sleep in pain. It's awful. When I'm not in pain I am a walking zombie because I am so numb from all the pain. I went to the doctor yesterday and told her what was going on. I told her that at this point I needed to just have it over and done with. I started crying right then and there. I swore I wouldn't and felt like an idioit. But I explained to her that neither of my girls have ever had a healthy mom. My husband of almost 11 years has never had a healthy wife. My family deserves better than this. I deserve better than this. I asked her to do something I have been contemplating for years but haven't had the guts to follow through with when I am talking to her face to face. I wasn't ready. Before she walked into her office I said a prayer asking Heavenly Father if this was right for me and my family. I told him that if there was even the slightest chance I would be having a biological child with my husband that I didn't want to go through with it. But if there wasn't a chance and I was supposed to do this, I asked him for the strength to articulate to the doctor what needed to be done. And not only that but I asked that he touch her heart to let her know that this was right if that was his will. You see, I've asked other doctors about a hsyterectomy but they have always refused to do it stating that I'm too young and that they can help me. This doctor even, the first time I met her refused to even consider it. Maybe it was the tears, maybe it was the Lord helping to make his will possible. But this time was different. Through tears I told her of my struggle and that I was ready now. She agreed that this was the only course of action left for me. Having a full hysterectomy will clear up 3 of my 4 major health issues (my back will never get better, as long as it's managble and I can function though, the doctor will leave that issue alone). I have mixed feelings about having the hysterectomy done. I'm happy that my pain will be gone, I'm happy that I can find a new normal and be who my family deserves for me to be. But at the same time, I'm scared. A few weeks ago I wrote about how as an infertile woman I feel broken. I was diagnosed with secondary infertility 16 years ago. For 11 years, even before we were married, my husband has known that biological children was not only improbable but impossible and was all for adoption from day one. Yet still, he supported me in my efforts to have a baby. And I was successful in getting pregnant a few times early in our marriage, but I never carried passed 11 weeks. My body just can't handle pregnancy anymore. Even knowing this, I tried. My husband sat by year after year as I struggled and held me as I cried and cried with me on those instances where we lost pregnancies. Finally we decided to adopt. That in and of itself was a struggle, but here we are 6 years after first starting the process of adoption and we have a beautiful (almost) 2 year old girl who has blessed our lives in ways we never imagined who came to us through adoption. Yet, still I struggle with my decision to have it be so final. There is no way that I can have kids. Even if I were to by some miracle get pregnant and carry passed 11 weeks, the probability that I could end up paralyzed is high. So I literally can't get pregnant. Yet still, here I sit, having cried off and on over the last 12 hours since I left the doctors office. Unable to sleep. I realized that I was afraid that my husband would look at me as less of a woman if I were to go through with this. This fear, as irrational as it is, is very real, and very strong. I talked to him about this of course, he told me he understood why I felt that way, but that I had no need to worry. I know that I need to do this. I need to be the mom my girls deserve and the wife my husband deserves and the me that I deserve. I can't do that the way things are now. I drove home from the doctor wondering if I had made the right decision. I guess it's normal to second guess. But an incident that happened 14 years ago floated into my mind. I was a single mom, living on my own, just Tamara and I. I was in bed, with a particularly bad episode of pain. She came into my room and told me she wanted to go to the park. I told her I would take her later. She said, "but mom, I want to go now." I said "honey, mommy is owie, I will take you later." Her response was one I will never forget. Even now, 14 years later I still remember it and it still breaks my heart. My baby girl, at the tender age of 3 said, "mommy, you're always owie, I wish I could hurt for you." My heart broke all over again as I remembered that day. I don't want Emily to ever utter those words. I would like my last year with Tamara, before she goes off to college to be pain free. So, when I feel like I can go through with it, I will remember that day, and it will give me the strength. I go in on July 3rd for the surgery and will be in the hospital for a few days... Kind of bummed that I'll miss the fireworks on the 4th though....

Congratulations to Tammy & Mike!!

Remember my friends Mike & Tammy? I have talked about them several times on my blog and Tammy even guest posted for me ahwile back on how to cope with a failed placement. And remember this post late last year that they had been chosen by another birthmom?

Well, in January their baby girl Sophia was born. I am happy to report that just this last Monday, they were able to go to court and finalize Sophia's adoption and she is officially their daughter! Congrats you guys! I'm sooo happy for you and I love you all!

Happy 17th Birthday Party Tamara!

I can't beleive it, but Tamara is 17! I still remember the day she was born. Heck, I still remember (unfortunately it isn't a good memory) the day I found out I was pregnant with her. Now here she is, 17 years old, about to start her Senior Year of High School, looking at colleges, driving.... People ask me if having an almost 2 year old makes me feel young again. Honestly, it just makes me feel older! *sigh* sad, but true! Here are some photos from Tamara's 17th birthday party,

 Tamara blowing out her candles

 Tamara helping Emily with her first go at a pinata

 Tamara eating her giant cupcake and wearing the top of the cupcake pinata on her head.

17 years!

Tamara is turning 17 tomorrow. Freaking out just a little. O.k. so a lot! I can't beleive it's been 17 years since she was born. It doesn't feel like that long ago. What a blessing she is to us all! Love you baby girl!

Tamara and I on her blessing day. August 1995

Tamara May 2012

Broken....

Jacob and I wanted to go on a date a couple of weeks ago and decided to take in a movie. We went to see the new movie 'What To Expect When You're Expecting." This movie had a fantastic cast, many of whom I am a big fan of so I thought it would be a great movie for our date. I don't know what I was thinking. For the most part it was really funny but there were several really tough parts. It has been on my mind for the last couple of weeks so I figured, why not blog about it.

The most heartbreaking part about this movie wasn't the character going through the miscarriage, or the character who after a couple of years of trying to get pregnant, finally does. The most heartbreaking part came in the form of Jennifer Lopez's character. She is a photographer who during a photo shoot has a mother of a baby she just took photos of, tell her that she is so good with kids and that she should "get on" with have babies of her own. J Lo's character has a very private, very quiet struggle. We find out that she and her husband are looking to adopt. They are doing international adoption and eventually are matched with a little one in Ethiopia if I remember correctly. At one point in the movie she and her husband get into an argument. Her true feelings and fears come to light. These are feelings that as an infertile woman, I am very familiar with. She says to her husband the words, "it's my fault we can't have children, I'm broken." I'm broken. Broken.... This is a word that I know all too well. I feel it in my bones, in my heart. I'm broken. Not only can I not get pregnant now, not only can I not carry a pregnancy should I get pregnant by some miracle, I SHOULDN'T get pregnant. If I do get pregnant, I could end up paralyzed. I'm broken. This feeling was only heightened several years ago when I was told by someone that they wished my husband could have married someone who could have given him babies of his own. This person didn't understand how it was that I could get pregnant at 15 and have a baby, but now I can't do either. This person said that they wished Jacob could be married to someone who could give him the experience of feeling his child grow within her womb. That conversation added to the feeling that I am broken and even though it took place over 3 years ago, I still remember it like it was yesterday.

I don't know how to get rid of this feeling of being broken. I thought that when we brought Emily home that my insecurities with not being able to give Jacob a child of "his own" would be gone because Emily is ours. His and mine. She may not have come from the two of us, but she is ours. But honestly, those feelings haven't gone away. I once read a blog post that says that Adoption doesn't cure infertility. It's true. It doesn't cure insecurities. Don't get me wrong. Emily is our child, in every way that matters. But I still wish... sometimes... I wish... Especially since the person who said those things to me all those years ago, still feels that way... I wish.... I wish I wasn't broken... But, I am....

An update

I know, I know, I totally suck! It's been way too long since I posted last. We have been busy around here to say the least. I just finished with my 2nd semester in college. Jacob is graduating on Friday with his Bachelors degree in Political Science. He is taking the Summer Semester off and then will be starting the Master's program in the fall. I am not taking the Summer off but am only taking 1 class. Tamara is finishing up her Jr. year in high school and will be starting her Sr. year in August. She is still on track to graduate early and will be turning 17 in June. Emily is turning 2 in July. I can't believe it! We recently celebrated 1 year since finalizing her adoption and taking her to the temple to have her sealed. We are just staying busy. :D Here is a recent pic of little miss. I will post again soon I promise.

Adoptive Couples Retreat 2012!!!

Sooo stinkin' excited to announce that the dates for the adoptive couples retreat have been set!! March 30th & 31st! Same location as last year. The Hampton Inn and Suites in Orem UT. We have some great things in the works so stay tuned here, or to the Retreats blog here. To read about last years retreat, go here. Seriously it was a blast!! So mark it on your calenders ladies and gents!

Contest time!

I know, I know, I have a lot of blogging to do. And I will, I promise. For now though I wanted to tell you about my new website and contest I am hosting. I have a new website for my photography business. You can check it out on Crowning Touch Photography. Now, for the fun part (although for me, having my own website is pretty darn fun!). I am hosting a contest where one lucky winner will win a free regular photo session. (That means any session but a wedding -that contest will be running next week). Who can enter? How do you win? Check out the details here on my sites blog. And I promise, new posts will be coming soon!