Welcome to our corner of the web! Here you will learn about our family and our journey of a family member adoption. In July of 2010, after 9 years of trying to add to our family and 5 years after we started our adoption journey, we welcomed baby Emily Rose. Emily's birth mom is Sharon's adopted sister. We look forward to someday adopting more children but for now, we are enjoying our time together as a family of 4!

Monday, May 28, 2012

Broken....

Jacob and I wanted to go on a date a couple of weeks ago and decided to take in a movie. We went to see the new movie 'What To Expect When You're Expecting." This movie had a fantastic cast, many of whom I am a big fan of so I thought it would be a great movie for our date. I don't know what I was thinking. For the most part it was really funny but there were several really tough parts. It has been on my mind for the last couple of weeks so I figured, why not blog about it.

The most heartbreaking part about this movie wasn't the character going through the miscarriage, or the character who after a couple of years of trying to get pregnant, finally does. The most heartbreaking part came in the form of Jennifer Lopez's character. She is a photographer who during a photo shoot has a mother of a baby she just took photos of, tell her that she is so good with kids and that she should "get on" with have babies of her own. J Lo's character has a very private, very quiet struggle. We find out that she and her husband are looking to adopt. They are doing international adoption and eventually are matched with a little one in Ethiopia if I remember correctly. At one point in the movie she and her husband get into an argument. Her true feelings and fears come to light. These are feelings that as an infertile woman, I am very familiar with. She says to her husband the words, "it's my fault we can't have children, I'm broken." I'm broken. Broken.... This is a word that I know all too well. I feel it in my bones, in my heart. I'm broken. Not only can I not get pregnant now, not only can I not carry a pregnancy should I get pregnant by some miracle, I SHOULDN'T get pregnant. If I do get pregnant, I could end up paralyzed. I'm broken. This feeling was only heightened several years ago when I was told by someone that they wished my husband could have married someone who could have given him babies of his own. This person didn't understand how it was that I could get pregnant at 15 and have a baby, but now I can't do either. This person said that they wished Jacob could be married to someone who could give him the experience of feeling his child grow within her womb. That conversation added to the feeling that I am broken and even though it took place over 3 years ago, I still remember it like it was yesterday.

I don't know how to get rid of this feeling of being broken. I thought that when we brought Emily home that my insecurities with not being able to give Jacob a child of "his own" would be gone because Emily is ours. His and mine. She may not have come from the two of us, but she is ours. But honestly, those feelings haven't gone away. I once read a blog post that says that Adoption doesn't cure infertility. It's true. It doesn't cure insecurities. Don't get me wrong. Emily is our child, in every way that matters. But I still wish... sometimes... I wish... Especially since the person who said those things to me all those years ago, still feels that way... I wish.... I wish I wasn't broken... But, I am....

4 comments:

Robyn :) said...

Who in the world would say something so cruel and insensitive to you??????????????? That is just unnacceptable.

Kim said...

In my own way I understand your feelings. In our own ways, most women I think do. You'd be suprised how many of us feel broken. My thought was more the "I kill my living children" Heavenly Father gives them to me and all I do is kill them before they can be born. It is hands down one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with. And no, finally carrying a child full term did not make me feel any less like I killed those others who died before they were born. It was something wrong with my body that took their life. That is a hard thing to live with. There is no easy answer. For me, learning to apply the atonement to the pain, heartache, grief and misery has helped. Removing damaging people who couldn't lovingly support also helped, but there are still days where I sit down and cry for those babies we didn't get here becuase of my body. When I'm in one of those moods I'm blessed with a husband who doesn't feel that it's my fault and doesn't blame me like I blame myself. Over the years the pain and insecurities of all that has lessened. But it's still a part of me. It will always be. It has given us the strength to overcome other things and love and rely on each other when we didn't have others to rely on. I pray you find that peace.

Marie F said...

Thank you so much for this post. I too struggle with being broken. We adopted though the foster care system and even though we have two perfect boys I still wish I could get pregnant. I sometimes feel guilty about that, as if wishing to be whole somehow qualifies the love I have for my sons. Thank you for your post, it is a great comfort.
I am sorry that you have someone in your life who could say something so cruel.

McMomma said...

I randomly came across your blog and had to comment. I recently seen that movie too and also having fertility issues, and having adopted, found it brought up some unexpected emotions. I think that infertility is a loss that can be grieved, but there are still reminders of that can touch on the pain again (usually at unexpected times).
For me the hardest part was when Jennifer Lopez was working at the photo shoot and the lady pregnant with twins asked if she wanted to feel them kicking. Watching her awe and then her pain as she realized she would never have that.