Broken....

Jacob and I wanted to go on a date a couple of weeks ago and decided to take in a movie. We went to see the new movie 'What To Expect When You're Expecting." This movie had a fantastic cast, many of whom I am a big fan of so I thought it would be a great movie for our date. I don't know what I was thinking. For the most part it was really funny but there were several really tough parts. It has been on my mind for the last couple of weeks so I figured, why not blog about it.

The most heartbreaking part about this movie wasn't the character going through the miscarriage, or the character who after a couple of years of trying to get pregnant, finally does. The most heartbreaking part came in the form of Jennifer Lopez's character. She is a photographer who during a photo shoot has a mother of a baby she just took photos of, tell her that she is so good with kids and that she should "get on" with have babies of her own. J Lo's character has a very private, very quiet struggle. We find out that she and her husband are looking to adopt. They are doing international adoption and eventually are matched with a little one in Ethiopia if I remember correctly. At one point in the movie she and her husband get into an argument. Her true feelings and fears come to light. These are feelings that as an infertile woman, I am very familiar with. She says to her husband the words, "it's my fault we can't have children, I'm broken." I'm broken. Broken.... This is a word that I know all too well. I feel it in my bones, in my heart. I'm broken. Not only can I not get pregnant now, not only can I not carry a pregnancy should I get pregnant by some miracle, I SHOULDN'T get pregnant. If I do get pregnant, I could end up paralyzed. I'm broken. This feeling was only heightened several years ago when I was told by someone that they wished my husband could have married someone who could have given him babies of his own. This person didn't understand how it was that I could get pregnant at 15 and have a baby, but now I can't do either. This person said that they wished Jacob could be married to someone who could give him the experience of feeling his child grow within her womb. That conversation added to the feeling that I am broken and even though it took place over 3 years ago, I still remember it like it was yesterday.

I don't know how to get rid of this feeling of being broken. I thought that when we brought Emily home that my insecurities with not being able to give Jacob a child of "his own" would be gone because Emily is ours. His and mine. She may not have come from the two of us, but she is ours. But honestly, those feelings haven't gone away. I once read a blog post that says that Adoption doesn't cure infertility. It's true. It doesn't cure insecurities. Don't get me wrong. Emily is our child, in every way that matters. But I still wish... sometimes... I wish... Especially since the person who said those things to me all those years ago, still feels that way... I wish.... I wish I wasn't broken... But, I am....