Am I excited?

So this is the weekend we have been waiting for. As members of the Church Of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, we beleive that families can be together forever. This is called a sealing. Tomorrow we will be going to the Provo Temple and will have Emily sealed to us as our daughter for eternity. And on Sunday she will be given a name and blessing that will go on the records of our church.

I've had a lot of people tell us how excited they are for us, and ask if we're excited. Honestly that's a loaded question. Don't get me wrong, I am sooo excited! I mean, Emily will be our daughter for eternity. This is a day we have been waiting literally years for. When we were married we wanted to have children right away. That wasn't in the Lord's plan for us. There were times we thought this weekend would never come. But it's here. Emily will be our daughter for eternity. However, Tamara will not. And that, is heartbreaking. Our eternal family will not be complete until she is. So tomorrow will be a very bittersweet day. It's hard to explain honestly. And it will coupled with the fact that she won't even be there in the waiting room. I explained to her why I wanted her to be there, but left it at her decision to be there or not. She chose not to be there. I respect that. She has reasons, ones that I won't go into because they are her personal reasons. They are between her, me and Jacob. And I respect her reasons. But that doesn't dull the sadness of her not being there. I'm not sure if her being there would make it easier or harder honestly. For those who don't know, Tamara is my daughter from a previous relationship. I had her when I was a teenager, and not having alot of support, and not really knowing about adoption, I chose to parent. Tamara was 6 when I married Jacob. She has grown up being shuttled back and forth between our house and her dad's house. The only time she learned about the church was when she was with us. Now, Tamara's dad is a great guy. He is an amazing father. He is not, however, active in our church. I don't think he has even set foot on church grounds in probably over a decade or two. When Jacob and I married and he joined the Army we gave Tamara the choice on who she wanted to live with, knowing we would be moving around a lot. She chose her dad, so she could stay in one place. Being a child who moved around a lot, I don't blame her. But this means she didn't grow up learning about the church. She was given the choice on whether she wanted to be baptized or not when she became a teenager. She chose not to. So not really beleiving in the gospel, or in the sealing power, she has chosen to not be there at the temple when Emily is sealed to us. Like I said, she has other reasons, and we respect those reasons. Still, I am sad....

So I'm trying not to think about it. I'm trying to think only of Emily. This is her day after all. And for that I am truly grateful. And who knows, maybe..... maybe someday.....

Get off the sidewalks!

Emily's 6 month post is coming. I haven't forgotten. But for now, I wanted to post an update on our oldest. Tamara is 15, 16 in June. Which here in Utah means, dun dun dun, driver's ed! *queue scary music and screaming* Last Monday I took her down to the dmv and she took her test. To my dismay she indeed passed. ;o) As part if the rules of having your permit, she must get 40 hours of driving experience. While 6 hours can be in class, the other 34 must be outside of class, with 10 hours being night driving. This is exceptionally scary for me as a mom. Partially because I have to be the one to drive with her. Because her dad and I have joint custody, and Jacob is not on the custody papers (they were drawn up well before Jacob and I got married), he can't drive with her. She on occasion drives with her dad, but normally it's me. And in our state it can only be me in the car. No one else. Which means if I am to take her driving, we have to get a sitter for Em if Jacob is working. She is getting better. Her turning is still really scary, but so far I have survived several driving sessions with her, without even a scratch to the van. So we're good so far. ;o) Tamara just recently got to go a theatre conference in St. George which she loved! She is seriously considering going to Dixie State when she graduates from high school. This works for me as her other choice right now is UCLA. That would have her way too far from home. Dixie State is 4 hours away, so she would still be "going away" to school, but she would still be within a reasonable driving distance. She wants to major in Drama, and possibly become a drama teacher. She is also going to be trying out for a spot on her high school drama team for regionals. And she has just joined the track team and she is taking photography this semester. She is doing great in school and is very happily getting ready for the sweethearts dance next week with her boyfriend Spencer who is a really sweet guy. And to top it off, she is planning her sweet sixteen (she's thinking black light party, or a kid theme with bounce house type stuff, although she is leaning heavily toward the black light). I can't beleive she is growing up so quickly and that she will be off to college in less then 3 years. I watch Emily grow up, and I watch her learn new things and I long for the days that Tamara was learning those same things. Because I was a single mom while Tamara was little I worked a lot, and I missed out on so much. I was there for all her big firsts, her first words, her first steps, etc. But, I wasn't there for the every day, day to day learning like I am with Emily. That makes me sad. But it reminds me to cherish not only every moment I have with Emily, but every moment I have with Tamara now. I can't back those days I had to work and wasn't there for when she started learning to crawl, but I can be here now. I got to be there for her first high school dance, and take her shopping for her dress and shoes for sweethearts. I get to be here for when she graduates high school and goes off to college, and I get to be here for the day to day now. So I'm going to cherish every moment I can. Sorry for the randomness of this post. I just had to brag on my not so little baby who is growing up way too fast.

15 years ago..... Happy Birthday Tamara!!!

It was a beautiful Tuesday morning in June. My mom and I left the house at 7a.m. that morning to head to the hospital for my scheduled C-Section. We arrived at 7:30. Right on time. I went into the OR a couple of hours later and after some issues with the spinal it was finally time. At 9:39a.m. I hear the nurse saying "Hey look everyone, we're being mooned!" (She was breech, which was the reason for the C-Section). A few seconds later I feel tugging as they pulled her out. And then I heard it. The most beautiful sound. The first cry of my little one.

That day, was 15 years ago today. My baby girl is just as sweet, just as cute, and even more beautiful then I ever could have imagined, both inside and out. I am so proud to be her mom.

I love you Tamara! Happy Birthday!!

No more denying it!

Our Tammy (ahem, Tamara) is growing up! It seems like just yesterday she was a toddler taking her first steps. Now she is, as I type, getting ready for her 9th grade promotion dance. Here in SL county our high schools are pretty full. So to get more room our 9th graders are in the jr. high (along with the 7th and 8th grades). She is technically a freshman in high school, but she has been attending the jr. high so I have been able to be in denial that she is actually already in high school. Not after tonight. Tonight she goes to her promotion dance. Tomorrow is 9th grade Lagoon day. She is officially in 10th grade. A Sophomore in High School, officially attending the high school. No denying it now! My baby, is growing up! To top it off, Sunday is her 15th birthday. I got emotional when I dropped her off at school this morning knowing it was her last day of classes (since tomorrow is Lagoon day, it is not a school day for the 9th graders) I'll post pictures of her all dolled up later. *sigh*