A few days ago I was in Emily's room in the nicu and I was asked, "Is she worth it? even with all this (meaning the long week, time in the nicu, the long wait to have her, everything)." My response at the time was simply, "every second has been worth it." Well tonight they took out Emily's IV because it was not flushing right and she only needs it for the antibiotics now, so the nurse took it out temporarily. She is putting it back in before her next round of antibiotics, she just wanted to give Emily a little rest from it all. Jacob was there, but he was really tired and hasn't been sleeping well, so I sent him back to the hotel and I stayed there for a while longer.
As I sat there in the quite of her room, no other babies crying, no monitors beeping, a low buzz of the nurses talking, with my baby girl cuddled in my arms, my thoughts went back to that question. "Is she worth it?" I started to cry as I realized, she is more then worth it. We waited 9 years for this little one. All the heartache, all the tears, all the stress, all the worry. Every. last. bit. of it. has been worth it. I would wait another 9 years if it meant being Emily's mommy. I would wait a lifetime, if it meant being Emily's mommy. I would spend months in the nicu if it meant being her mommy. I would spend years there, if it meant being her mommy. Is she worth it? YES! With every inch of my being, YES!
There was a time when I never thought this day would come. And so many of my friends are out there right now, wondering if their day will come. My answer to you my friends is, I know what it's like. I know what it's like to jump every time the phone rings. To wonder, every time you check your email, if this will be the day, if that will be the email, if this phone call will be the one. I know what it's like to cry so many tears that you wonder if you will ever stop. I know what it's like to feel like giving up, wondering if any of this is worth it. My answer is, the tears of sorrow, will stop, and be replaced with tears of peace and joy. Someday, that phone call will be the one, or that email will be the one. That day will come. And when it does, everything, will be worth it!
As I sat there in the quite of her room, no other babies crying, no monitors beeping, a low buzz of the nurses talking, with my baby girl cuddled in my arms, my thoughts went back to that question. "Is she worth it?" I started to cry as I realized, she is more then worth it. We waited 9 years for this little one. All the heartache, all the tears, all the stress, all the worry. Every. last. bit. of it. has been worth it. I would wait another 9 years if it meant being Emily's mommy. I would wait a lifetime, if it meant being Emily's mommy. I would spend months in the nicu if it meant being her mommy. I would spend years there, if it meant being her mommy. Is she worth it? YES! With every inch of my being, YES!
There was a time when I never thought this day would come. And so many of my friends are out there right now, wondering if their day will come. My answer to you my friends is, I know what it's like. I know what it's like to jump every time the phone rings. To wonder, every time you check your email, if this will be the day, if that will be the email, if this phone call will be the one. I know what it's like to cry so many tears that you wonder if you will ever stop. I know what it's like to feel like giving up, wondering if any of this is worth it. My answer is, the tears of sorrow, will stop, and be replaced with tears of peace and joy. Someday, that phone call will be the one, or that email will be the one. That day will come. And when it does, everything, will be worth it!
My thoughts then turned to K... Our sweet angel. I look at Emily and I see her. I spoke to Emily of the immense love that K has for her. How much she will always love this little one that she gave life to. I spoke to her about how strong Emily herself is, and how she gets her strength from K who is perhaps one of the strongest people I know. We love you K! Thank you so much for giving us the gift of parenthood. We will make you proud.
3 comments:
Beautiful! Made me cry, but I also know that one day, that call will be the one. You said it so perfectly...jumping at every phone call and checking email multiple times a day for an email about a possible match. Congratulations!
Thank you for sharing your story, Sharon. At many points in my own adoption journey, I have felt like giving up, halting the search, and attempting to come to terms with what living a child-free life really means.
But then I think of THIS moment, THIS question that you have pondered in your post and I am ultimately reminded, albeit in a wash of tears most of the time, that that is what I want too. I don't want to stop. I do not want to halt the search for an expectant mom that finds something in myself and my husband worthy enough to become the parents to her child. I want to be a mommy too...and every day I will continue praying that it will happen for us as well.
http://www.ourfamilyadoption.net
Thank you so much for this beautifully written post. It was just what I needed to hear today.
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